So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
