I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
