I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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