Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
