if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You left your phone here
Wait...
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