Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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