Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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