So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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