How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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