I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
