yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
