what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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