how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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