if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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