Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
