Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
