i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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