remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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