Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
