I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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