oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
