hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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