i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
