I'm eating all of the evidence.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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