its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
