Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Even my vagina gasped.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
