So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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