She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
