i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
