I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
