just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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