You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
