there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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