I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
