I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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