I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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