I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
