Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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