now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
