It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
