That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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