Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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