I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
