We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
