He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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