I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
