She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she looked like the before picture.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
