If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
