but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
