I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
