Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
