Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My ass is underappreciated
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
