My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
