she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
