You smell like stripper and shame
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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