the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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