you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
