Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
